Some people feel things more than others. I am one of those people. More days than not I wish I didn’t.. feel things.. so much. Generally it’s thought that one’s ability to feel things is beneficial to an artist, because it gives that artist a frame to build songs from, or any kind of art, really, even a blog like this one. Of course people who are overtaken by their feelings often end up in institutions, called insane. I’m surely bordering on that status myself, don’t tell anybody! I have a friend who often says I expose my feelings too much online, to my own detriment. She’s right of course. If I held back even a bit, my “audience” wouldn’t shake their heads so often at me. Poor Scott, I wouldn’t want to be him. Why is he telling us this? I wish he hadn’t, some things you don’t need to know.
I’d surely be more successful in my various endeavors if I didn’t expose myself trying so hard, so often. One of my past enemies called me the Little Engine That Could, in the mockingest of ways (he was right). But my feelings explode, then my persona just goes along for the ride. It’s often said about men that they’re ruled by their penis. I’m ruled by my pathos. It’s not becoming of me. That I’m aware of this I suppose is one step further along but as I become more attuned to that, my feelings in their full bull-in-a-china-shop destructiveness seem to be getting stronger, more uncontrollable. They’re a runaway train. When I release a new song or essay or video or anything that I feel I’ve nailed so to speak, the waiting for others to partake and comment has grown more desperate thru the years. It starts foolishly hopeful and then it turns to rage and then to despondence. I think to myself, I put out something great here, something I do oh, maybe 10 times in a year if I’m lucky, I can’t believe my so-called friend who I often even feel close to can’t even bother to check it out. I become filled with hatred for a short time, then I gather myself and the self pity fills me from head to toe. Well there it goes, another deep imo fully realized message was thrust out to the world, not landing, not reaching any kind of destination like the umpteen trillion other messages in a bottle that never came to the shore. I picture myself as a kid, seeing how far I can throw a football, trying to throw it to hit the moon, and not being able to even make it to the top of the telephone pole at the edge of our driveway. I feel so weak, so inept, as I think about that I start to feel that way right now as I’m typing this. Nobody cares, you’re barking at the sky again. Feelings I don’t need, that serve no useful purpose. I will never accept that others don’t find me nearly as interesting as I find myself. What is wrong with me? What is right with me, rather?!
Tonight I was watching one of my favorite shows on TV that I had DVRed, you guessed it, Supergirl. What a show, wow. Supergirl got transported to a world with a red sun, where she has no powers. I have that same issue with a yellow sun. long pause.
So anyway, without her powers, the evil forces who run a slave trade that she came to rescue of course seize the opportunity to shoot her with a ray gun. The scary plasma beam when it hits Supergirl sends her into deep painful cries. My god I felt that pain, that ray hit me with all the force I’ve ever felt in my life, like when I was 9 years old and walked bravely into the dark night and looked out on the road and saw in the light of same telephone pole that my first doggie had been hit by a car and killed. I could not take this freakin TV show for cryin’ out loud, was embarrassed in front of my family because I could. not. stand. to watch my fair and categorically perfect damsel get destroyed like this. I wanted to die right then, I can’t even describe to you the flare-up in feelings I experienced watching, hearing that. It was stupid. It was beyond, way beyond superhero drama. It was a hideous experience, one I’ll never forget, and I’ll probably have nightmares about til the end of time and I barely ever even dream anymore. It wasn’t even that I was frustrated that I couldn’t save Kara, though I had those feelings too and 7 other related trauma. It was that I felt her pain.. It was killing me right then and there and I don’t want to die.
Yeah I feel things. You don’t want to get close to me, based on how people seem to get when they do. I rarely even try to get close to people as I grow into knowing myself a little bit. I always wish I could keep close friends, I almost feel I need that in my life, but I’m so complicated I could break a geiger counter. I compartmentalize parts of myself that aren’t fit to be known by anyone but even the parts that seem safe for public consumption blow up from time to time for all to see. What’s even odder is I used to be a lot worse than I am now on forums and such. I used to hit on girls sexually, publically, and it wasn’t NC-17, lemme tell ya. I used to sneer at the nicest people in the world for breakfast. Then I was big and strong and powerful, shit I was monumental and never had a moment of self-doubt. So you’re getting the homogenized version believe it or not. I had this arch nemesis back in those other days who was such a despicable motherfucker, but I never ever back down from bullies – he once called me the biggest dick in the world because of my relentless nature coming back at him. As time progressed and evolved, he’s now probably the friend I relate to now the most.
My world is both a shambles and a work-in-progress. With all this I’ve told you in this blog, can you possibly understand that I still have the audacity to believe that I lead by example? I don’t want to discourage anyone from feeling things. I want to experience what you’re feeling, in fact. I need to. Your lifeblood is my lifeblood. Accept that and come to peace with it if you can. heh With that I’ll leave you with the a verse from a song I wrote back in the 1980s, it’s never been released, but it’s real good, Neg Tendencies may do it eventually. I want to do a good recording of it before I die.
Hated cause he takes the chances that you could never take
Instantly he feels the things you’ve somehow come to fake
It seems you’re so afraid to bend, when he would dare to break
yeah if the moment caught you sleeping, he was wide awake
later! please follow this blog (right column) if you like reading my crap.