So what’s a blog for if not to tell things about yourself you never had the nerve to say before? This is going to be one of those. I just arrived in my office at my usual time late at night having decided to write this due to music setting me off yet again as it always does. I take a brisk walk around our complex most nights when weather is accomodating, listening to my iPod on shuffle. Tonight the 3 songs that came on all had particular meaning to me, it felt like music and nature wanted me to write.
I’ll start with the 3rd song, Second Avenue by Art Garfunkel. One of the unsung great songs of all time, I had the 45. It wasn’t a hit, I don’t know how it missed because everyone I’ve ever played it for swooned upon hearing it.
This song has meaning to me because it was out during the time I was experiencing my first ever real girlfriend. I remember a specific night, I was leaving her house after having dropped her off at her parents’ house which was back in the country of the little county of our youth. I remember all the songs I heard on the way home on that particular night because it was a new feeling to me, having a girl who officially likes me. Whenever I hear Second Avenue or Jazzman by Carole King, or Surely or Some Kind of Wonderful by Carole King, I think of this girl Sue. Second Avenue makes my heart churn, mm-mm. She was a few years younger than me and became attracted to me on the little bus our school used to drive back and forth to debates at other schools, I was the big shot on the debate team, this was the first cachet I ever had and some of my best female catches in my life are associated with some position I held at the time whether the lady in question admits it or not. Well let’s just say this is my theory. haha Anyway the relationship with Sue was very short lived. I don’t recall being heartbroken when it ended, surprisingly. She really isn’t that much my type though she was good looking then. There were few memories really. There was a farmer’s fair parade where she sent her friends to look for me, being pursued was totally new for me at the time. There was an away football game which was amazing, taking a group and having a girlfriend, wow. Driving home from that game I lost this beach hat I loved, and Sue liked to wear, it blew off her head and out the window and I loved that hat, I dream of seeing it at some flea market to this day. I would let her steer the car, she loved that, we’d drive around, a good memory. and there was the mother of all memories, the electrifying moment we announced our coupling to the world by walking hand-in-hand arriving at the home football game, straight across in front of the length of bleachers. Wow I felt like a giant, we knew everybody would be looking and they were. I bet she doesn’t even remember that but what do I care, it was my memory. I ran into her on facebook a couple years ago. She really surprised me by friending me cause I thought she hated me. We got along ok, never discussed all that. She was not one of the loves of my life, just, like I said, the first actual girlfriend. Later she unfriended me I think stemming from some post I made about if you don’t listen to my music you might as well unfriend me cause that’s all I really got going on. heh. I friended her back but she didn’t accept. It’s ok, she’s really nothing to me and I would tell you if she was.
ok some explanation is in order here. I went on in college and pretty much starting in my senior year of high school to have a lot of girlfriends. I, like many other guys, went thru a really promiscuous stage in college, I’ve never had that much problems with girls (women) once I grew into myself, but while I always loved girls I was painfully shy in my youth. Starting with Nancy Bishop in Sunday school when I was 5 years old, I would pick out a girl every year to covet but the girls did not seem to like me much for a very long time. Thinking about it now, I wasn’t that bad looking, a little overweight at times, but confidence is the missing link to love, I am quite sure. So there was Beverly Westphal in 1st grade, Robin Trimmer in second (she wasn’t even in my class, I wrote her a poem called Robin Red Breast haha), Mary Long in 3rd grade, I really loved her. But these were all things I kept in a lock box in my head for the most part.
Let me digress to the 2nd of the 3 songs I heard on my iPod tonight. It was I’ve Been Searching So Long by Chicago. This is sort of the story of my youth, because I did love girls but couldn’t possibly think of any ways I could get them to love me. This song has the greatest introduction of any song ever, I mean ever, it sends chills down my spine when that trumpet crescendo starts, every single time.
Anyway in my earlier school days I couldn’t imagine actually getting a girl to like me even though there were guys like Brian P. in my class who all the girls absolutely loved. (I ran into Brian on facebook, too, he friended me and told me the story going at our high school reunion was that I died – I believe this transpired because in high school I was exactly the kind of guy you’d expect to see at every class reunion and I’ve never attended one to this day! I later unfriended Brian cause he kept posting stupid crap about Obama 🙂 ) In 7th grade some of the older girls on the school bus started to flirt with and tease me because my public stance was that I hate girls. But this blog is about the greatest love that never was, so I’m going to tell you about that.
Okay there was this girl, she is still a facebook friend though she doesn’t really go on facebook much. She probably won’t read this though I’m contemplating PMing her a link, probably won’t though, it’s too tricky to face head on like that, besides we’re both happily married, this serves best as a one person account I think. We were buddies, closer than anyone ever knew I think. To this day I don’t know how my self-esteem would’ve survived high school if not for her. She is one of those people whose presence in a room just makes you happy, she has that kind of spirit. I knew about her before I even met her because my favorite teacher ever, my French teacher and debate coach Mr. Hoover, mentioned these 2 girls before they came to high school, said wait til you meet these 2 girls. It turns out Mr. Hoover knew because both are probably the 2 favorite girls I met thru high school and are still friends now. One became my debate partner and is currently making major waves in marine biology as we always knew she would. The other is the one this story is about. We might have gotten together and hell, we might still be together now, you never know what causes your life to turn. She liked me a lot. I remember some things that happened where she was almost surely cueing me up to cross lines I never crossed with her. The truth is though I was such a damned innocent kid that I always thought with utter certainty that she was too good for me, that nothing like that could ever happen. She was nominated for prom queen and she told me she considered bringing me in as her escort, but I think both she and I knew that this couldn’t happen because she’d be judged too harshly, you know, you, with him? We took long walks together at the local park and we held hands, I couldn’t have been happier, I was flowing, I was at my best. It was a little secret I carried around in my head and it saved my life almost as much as listening to new albums when I brought them home from Korvettes.
There was one other situation with this girl where things could’ve turned and changed lives. The girl in question at one point was planning to go to a drive-in one night with her 2 younger sisters. She really really wanted me to come with them. I believe this is the night the worm would’ve turned. She always praised me for being so good at parties and in a crowd and I think the thought of her being the adult in charge of her sisters for this semi-date arrangement was empowering her with a new kind of bravery towards me. I know that sounds a little convoluted but trust me, I have a sense of these things. Anyway I really wanted to go too, shit, I loved her. Almost as much as I love Kara (Supergirl) now. I sort of equate the 2 in some ways. However another aspect of my personality kicked in, the loyal, constant side. You see, I had a date with Brenda F. (a girl I liked but not anywhere in the same ballpark) scheduled for the night she wanted me to do this drive-in. So you can guess what happened, I stupidly turned her down because I had this other thing scheduled and when I showed up that night at Brenda’s house she had completely forgotten about our date and the night was fucked. I could cry about this to this day, 40 years later because that night could’ve totally changed the course of everything. But who knows, maybe for the worse, ya never fucking know, do ya?
Back to the narrative: The story took a bad turn at a certain point right around the time the gang broke up cause we all went to different parts of the US for school. She was visiting me and another friend from our high school gang when we rented a house in Avalon one summer. At this point I was all full of myself with various girlfriends and sexual times. I don’t know exactly what got into me but this different Scott from the one I was before college and drugs etc started reading the signals far more aggressively so I was moving on her as we walked to the beach. It turned weird really fast, I kind of didn’t know where to turn because I was caught between the guy she knew and the guy I had become. I’m pretty sure what happened disappointed her, I wasn’t really experiencing the here and now so the memory is kind of a blur to me, except that it didn’t go anywhere much and nowhere that last night of her stay, after we got back from the beach. but one thing wasn’t a blur and that brings me to the 1st song I heard on my iPod tonight which is what started this whole chain of thought which music so often does.
Get Closer by Seals and Crofts. Darlin’ if you want me to be closer to you, get closer to me. Such profound words. So after her time in Avalon it just so happened that I sort of needed to take a trip home for some reason or another so I spared her the busride and also took some other friends who were in Avalon home who were also from my hometown. I don’t even remember who was in the car, me and her and someone else were in the front seat (she was in the middle, I often drove with my arm around her) and others in the back seat. Anyway the Seals and Crofts song came on the radio and up til that day I had never really thought much about it. This girl said something about this should be our song or something, it was like she crossed over into this unspoken plane which neither of us ever entered before (or after) that. I thought about these lyrics more and more over the years. I really was the shy one, I just had these .. barriers. Yes I had this huge wall up and I didn’t really even start to face up to all that until she tuned me in, on that day. It was too late to make a difference though.